What I am asking here is for real critical feedback. This is my first poem after a long break from writing. My goal is to perfect it, put pictures to it and then send it to publishers. I need your help. If you see or feel a stanza doesn't work well. If there is a line that doesn't quite fit...Please share your opinion. I need to hear. Please comment below. I need to perfect it and it's in that place where I have read and re-written it a hundred times.
It's a poem for my babies. It will be a book (I hope) with my illustrations for you and your babies. If I get it just right. I may just self-publish. I will let you know. Here are the words. For now, your mind will have to create the pictures.
Shooing Away the Night
The sun drifts dreamily
down to bed,
Signaling to me that it’s
time to close my eyes
And rest my weary head.
Picking me up tight,
and snuggling me in close,
Momma hums a ‘silent
night’ symphony
And whispers, “I love
you most.”
She rubs my ears and
kisses my cheek,
Tucking my blankets
just right, clicking off the day
she lets in the night.
The night is dark,
speaking creaking voices in my ears.
My heart gets hot, my
arms grow tight
as my room fills up
with fears.
Gloomy groggles and green
eyeballs,
Shadowy creatures dance
upon my walls.
Tickling windows make
me chill.
Petrified by darkness I
groan.
And just when I think
that I will never find sleep,
I peek out the covers, as
quietly she creeps.
She draws near me back
into my room.
Warmth and light slipping
through her silhouette.
On tiptoes she sneaks, she’s
still humming that tune.
Kindly she clicks on the
night light,
As sweetly she says, “Sweet
bug, we forgot to pray.”
She has come, shooing
away the night.
Okay. Now it's your turn. Do I need more lines? Do I need to take some out? Can you picture it as a children's literature book? Or is it just a nice poem? Please don't be afraid to speak the truth. I need it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step right? So, here I go. Let me have it. Please leave your comment below.
Sending out love and joy.
I love it! The syllabic pattern doesn't flow consistently with the parts that rhyme so it reads kind of choppy. If that's on purpose don't change it, but might be something to consider. I can't wait to see your illustrations! There is so much imagery. Love it!
ReplyDeleteI agree Ann. It is choppy. That is one of my concerns. While I was editing I thought maybe it would work because it's the scary part of the poem and maybe the choppy contributes to what I want you to feel during that part. I am undecided. Thank you for your voice on the matter. I am excited for the illustrations as well. They are forming. I will share. :)
DeleteOh that makes sense. What if you shortened them even more at the dark part?
ReplyDeleteGloomy groggles.
Green eyeballs.
Shadow creatures dance on walls.
Just an idea. You could have so much fun drawing those!
It's very lyrical, so if you really chopped it up at the dark part and then made where she came back lyrical again it would drive the softness home. Also, I'd love an extra verse at the end. To emphasize the peace Mom brings.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anna. Those are all great points and I appreciate the advice. I can see the value in them and they excite me.
DeleteSorry Dear, I can't concentrate long enough to even understand what it is talking about. Love you. Keep at it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your love and encouragement dear! Even if you don't get it. :)
DeleteLove the imagery, sweet poem. Is there another word you could use in place of "creeps?" It makes the mother sound kind of... spooky. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Aunt Pat! I will look into the creeps. :)
DeleteI love it Jodi. I think it is perfect for a children's picture book! I feel like it inspires me as a mom, which I love. I think this books speaks to the child (normalizes their fear, but shows peace and comfort). But it also speaks to the mother reading it--it shows her how important she is in the life of her child (sometimes we forget and need a little reminder).
ReplyDeleteA few items of feedback.
"I peek out the covers, as quietly she creeps."
"Peek out the covers" is confusing to me. I don't know if it works with the poetry, but I think adding a "from" between "out" and "the" would be good.
When I read children's books, it seems the rhyming usually follows a set pattern. If there are three lines and the end of the first line rhymes with the end of the last line, I expect the whole book to follow that patter. I think I would be confused reading a book that was not that way, because it would be unexpected. Unless it's intentional in a certain part to change the mood of that part. I noticed in some of the stanzas, the first and last lines rhyme. But in some it's the second and last lines. And in others it's the first and second lines. I'm no expert, so I would defer to experts on this matter. Just my two cents, but I don't know if there's any validity to my instinct.
In your response to "Do I need more lines?" I like it how it is. But I think it would be great to add one more stanza about the comfort the prayer brings, sending you off to dreamland in the best possible way.... Although, I get it if you don't want that to be the focus.
I think it is wonderful. Definitely a keeper! I can't wait to see the finished product!
Great thoughts and suggestions Brynn! Thank you for sharing with me. I will take your ideas into consideration. I have changed it quite a bit since the post. If I could get some pictures down on paper I might share it. :)
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