Finding Purpose in the Process

Lately, it's been a roller coaster. Summer is winding down and I am running out of days. I hate to think about my new little project having to take a side seat to life, but I know it will. Teaching is not a 8-4 job. It's all day, everyday, evenings and weekends. I love my students but the work almost does me in.

I thought I could show you what I have been working on as far as reaching my dream. It's slow going. But, I am not in a hurry. I am just happy to be in my happy place working on something I love.

After revising the poem that so many of you read and shared your thoughts about, I wrote the words out on 3x5 cards. Then I sketched on 3x5 cards that I laid next to the story line. I cannot tell a lie. The illustrating hasn't come as easy as the writing.

I have taken art classes. I have painted watercolor, oil, acrylic. I almost have enough art credits to have an art endorsement with my teaching degree. Almost. I am not secure in my painted art. I think it's good, but I also KNOW it's amateurish. I know I have a long way to go and no time to dedicate to it. It's a passion largely for me and me alone. Sure I might share it with those I love. But, I can tell you I only know of one painting that hangs on a wall. A lily I painted for my grandmother. To be honest I think I saw that in the closet last time I visited. I have cousins that I consider artists. I qualify myself as a doodler.

I remember vividly a day in middle school where I was sitting in class and really must not have had anything better to do because I started doodling on my jeans. My mother can attest to this. I wonder sometimes how long it took for the ink to come off those pants. I started at my hip pocket and literally doodled all the way down one side of my pants. I wish I had a picture of that. It is a memory that makes me very happy.

The point is, I am not sure I am the right girl to illustrate my writing. As I work up to it, because art is a process, I know I want the pictures to be watercolor. Watercolor is by far my favorite medium. It can be light and airy. White is the color you lay other colors on. They can be washed out or you can make them dark. Though at parts my story feels dark, there is an underlying light to the whole thing. Therefore, I began by stretching a bunch of canvases to get back into the groove of painting. I decided I needed to just paint. Practice.

 The creative process really is magic. You can have idea's in your head. However, if you are willing to simply let go, release your will and let it happen, that is when paintings become art. That process is what I love and live for. It's like nothing I have ever felt before. Everything in the background of your life is surrendered and muted. All that is real in that moment is the paint and the brush and becoming. As I sit typing I am pulled to that other realm. It is Utopia.

So, my thought is to just get back into the swing of it. Paint a few things and let it evolve. Let it become. I don't have any deadlines. I am not doing this for a publisher. And I think that is the way I will always want to work. Not deadlines. No one telling me how or what to do. I am determined to be self-published. Once I am, you my audience will be the first to have the pleasure of purchasing my work. Until then...this is how the creative process of painting has been progressing.

First, I soak the ARCHES watercolor paper in my bath tub. This cotton like paper almost feels like cloth when it absorbs the water. It's expensive paper. I bought mine while I was attending college classes at Dixie State College. I have a nice stockpile. When I run out, I will probably go back there and get more. Or when I visit. As alumni I get 10% off my purchases forever. Another good place to purchase is cheapjoes art stuff.  It needs to soak a bit. All the pores of the paper need to soak up the H2O. So, I leave it and go do something else.

When I return to the tub I have prepared my foam board. The kind you buy at walmart. Usually used for science projects. I cut it into smaller boards and take the paper out of the tub one at a time. Laying the wet paper on the foam board I stretch it. I staple the paper on one side and literally pull on the paper. Then staple all side and put tape around the edges when it's dry. Now if you want to paint wet on wet, you would pull out your paint supplies and start right in on painting.  I am not sure what I am going to paint still and want to do some dream sleeping, sketching, photo research therefore I let mine just dry.

Before I can be ready to paint I know I have to do a few things. Now, all creative processes are different. You do not have to follow my madness. There is madness in my method. I am like a kitty cat circling, crouching, sneaking, and preparing to pounce on that grasshopper. Then bam! It's time to paint. All that build up, it's important to me. Although, sometimes I wonder if it is just me putting off failure. Often art disappoints. It doesn't turn out like it was in your head.) Nevertheless, it's my method and I follow it.

Next, I make sure I have all my supplies. I order on amazon. I use coupons to michaels for %50 off. I cut corners and shave cost as much as I can. Art supplies do cost quite a bit. Especially the good ones. And if you care about what you are doing. You want the good ones. It causes me pause, how many amazing possibles begin doing art with the student supplies, get frustrated and walk away. Art can be painful. It takes practice. It especially takes patience. The types of paint and paper, sponges, paintbrushes, crayons, tape...it all matters. If you want a list that I recommend, it's kinda small. I feel less is more. But, I would be willing to share that with you.

Paper stretched - check. Supplies - check. Now I need to make sure my sugar basket is full. I make sure I have something to drink and munch while I work. Otherwise, I will have to interrupt serendipitous work. And interrupted work can be deadly if you are in the zone. The creative zone.

For me, I must have water or sprite, chocolate, peppermint, cinnamon and the absolute must in this mix is the packages of skittles. You are thinking I have a sugar problem and I am telling you a little sugar on the tongue can fire up the brain and keep it going. It's a fact.

Okay, everything is set. Ready to paint. But, I am still apprehensive. The pictures aren't formed in my mind yet. I am not feeling confident and ready to create. That is why I doodle.

Wait...What? Doodle. Really. Yes. Really. Days and days of doodling, if necessary. Trying to get the cobwebs moving out of the way of the pictures in my head. So, I doodle. I get creative. I even do craft projects. In all I am artistic in every way except for the painting. So, as of today... it's been days of this and eventually I will get to the painting. For now I am still in the process of doodling. In fact, once I am finished I will be going to continue coloring the doodling. I intend to frame it. Put it above my desk at school.

Yes, I teach. Not because I can't do otherwise, but because everyone needs a day job. This month of July has been so therapeutic. I have realized, quite frankly, that  I am so much more than my day job. If nothing else can come of my adventure toward my dream this summer, at least I am now on the path. I know who I am. The cocoon is forming. Chrystlus is surrounding me in warmth and hope. Becoming a teacher is not the end-all-be-all. It is a gift and I am thankful for that great gift God granted me... in being a teacher. However, there is much more to me. I am excited to evolve, fly and share.

My sincere wish for you tonight is that you, my friends, are on your quest to discover who you are. What you have to offer. My childhood friend Dara, calls them WhisperingS. I like that. A lot. I think we all have WhisperingS. These are feelings always in your mind, things that God has in store for us. He knows us better than we can. He believes in us more than we are able. His plan is bigger than we can see in the moment. I know my story isn't finished. I know I am to do and be more. What an exciting adventure. I hope you are feeling or finding yours as well.

As my BFF's at Disney (Yes, I speak fluent Disney. I hope you do. There is nothing more amazing than the Disney movies. The messages, the artwork. Ahhh.) have stated very fittingly,

  ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

Remember never let yourself become complacent or even feel you have been defined. We are always changing. Our adventures are always changing.

What will you write, draw, photograph, paint, 
or doodle in your book of adventures?

I would love for you to share what your adventure or dream is right now. If you are brave enough to give it word on a page. :) 

Loves.

Cancer Doesn't Care - Tribute to a Friend

Cancer sucks is the sentiment of the day. It is unanimous. Via a FaceBook post I put up on my personal page I have received explicit comments about how people "hate it!" What inspired me to post something about cancer? It all started with a random visit to check in with the world of facebook. But, lets go back just a little more.

6:00 a.m. - I started walking in a small group of women lately, really early mornings. I love it. I see the sunrise everyday. (More writings to come on this event.) We finished up at about 7:30 and I came home. Fed the neighbors turtle for them because they are out of town. Went home to get ready for the day.

8:15 a.m. - Left the house to go to the school. No school doesn't start until August 7th. But, teachers are never really on vacation. I went to meet the new 6th grade Language Arts teacher and share some ideas with her.

10:00 a.m. - Left the school to go to a doctors appointment. I am now at the lovely age of mammograms. Officially, I should have started getting them last year. I have heard how painful they are, therefore I unintentionally put it off. Summer is quickly closing and I knew now was the time. Teacher rarely take time off for health.

10:30 a.m. - The doctor enters the room, feels me up, says he feels nothing. I'm thinking, "Gee thanks." haha Tells me he wants to write the papers up for my first mammogram. "Get dressed, I will be back." He says. So, I get dressed and sit and wait. Synonymous for doctors offices I know. As I sit and wait, I log in to FaceBook. What else do you do in the world of 2014, am I right?

I am scrolling down and come to a very upsetting post about one of my dearest friends in the world. Announcing she has cancer. My intake of breath was audible. My tears screaming to come out. I start kicking myself because I receive emails with her post to her family blog and I am SURE I received her post about it but breezed past it because we were on vacation.

11:00 a.m. - I am leaving the office and calling her the second I hit the front door. I am calling every number I have, the whole time kicking myself for not keeping in better contact. I didn't get her on the phone but I left messages at each. No tears yet. My mind is just reeling.

11:15 a.m. - get home and tell my husband Jeff. At this point I am pissed. She just had a baby. Like just barely. She is younger than me. She has four children. I am pissed. I get my laptop out thinking I need some therapy or some mind numbing nothingness.

12:00 p.m. - Jeff makes sandwiches and tells me I should call her husband. I state how angry I am. Listing off all the reasons it's not fair. She is young. She has four kids. She just had a baby.  He says, "Cancer doesn't care." Now, the tears are flowing. I need to talk to her. I call her husband. Then, I text him when he doesn't answer.

12:59 p.m. - He calls. It's aggressive. It's breast cancer. She has to go through 18 weeks of chemo. It's treatable. Once the cancer shrinks they will take it out and hopefully that is the end of it. It has not spread to any other part of her body. If there is such a thing as good news with cancer, I think I have just heard it. She texts me and says she promises to call later.

By this point I am bawling like a baby. It's probably best that she doesn't call. It feels like a personal attack. Jeff and I have family who have been fighting cancer. They are closest to Jeff and while it has and does affect me, (especially losing his father),  for some reason this just cuts me so deep. In an effort to feel better I start remembering. I start looking through photos of she and I on FaceBook. Then, I realize I have so many more in my albums. So, I go looking through those and start collecting them.

It's then that it hits me and I realize. I don't have a lot of friends. Not close friends. I am an introvert. I am a homebody. I am comfortable in my happy place.  It is sincerely painful for me to make new friends. But, the friends that do come into my life, like Kim, and take the time to know me, and in return I them, there is a bond for me that is unbreakable. They are my family. I have always been okay with my small circle of very close friends. The kind you can call up and it seems like you have never been apart. They are the best kind.  Kim is one of those people who broke through my exterior, slowly, simply and at our own pace. I trust her with my inner most anything. We understand each other. She is an introvert. She is a kindred spirit. And I love her dearly.

After talking to her on the phone around 3 p.m. I am feeling as well as I can about this turn of events in the plan I have for all my friends. (To live for ever and always be.) She is battling. She is brave. Most days. She is fighting for her family. I am proud of her and the example of not giving up that she is. I am thankful for the gift of our friendship. I am thankful for Ryan, her husband, who loves her like no one else on the planet. She tells him he doesn't have to come to appointments and he shows up to them before she gets there. He is self- employed. He works hard and plays harder. He loves Kim without an Amen. I am thankful beyond words for the love he shows her.

If you are interested in following her fight, you can read about her on her blog. Fighting for my family. The link is under the life inspirations list of blogs on the left. If you would like to donate to her family in her fight please follow this link Youcare-Kim'sfightforherfamily.  This is medical fundraiser and will help support them over the next year in all her treatments.  I love you Kim. I am here for you. Any day or night. Praying. Always Praying. Always thinking of you.

Now, I like happy endings so to end on a pleasant note...she will hate this but, I simply must share the very few photos I have of the lovely Kim. She is usually behind the camera so truly they are not many.

Usually the only way Kim would let you photograph her. :)

 In the beginning of our PLAY DAYS I had to sneak photos of her. I was so lonely without the kids. We started hanging out way before I met Jeff. She would take me out in nature and do her best to cheer me up.

Kim and Daisy.

When my kids would come to visit, she and Ryan and I would go out and take them to play. We went to their many spots and had picnics and hiked.

Nick Loving on Kim.

The kids and I with Kim and Abby at the weeping rock at Zions Canyon. 

Playing at a park. We love parks.

Our Play days or times of getting together are few and far between. But, every time we talk or I get to St. George it is always like we never stopped playing. I am thankful for each and every memory and all the ones we will make in the future!!

Eating cheetos in the park with her two oldest children after playing in the water at a park.

I hope all of you out there, battling anything... Epilepsy, MS, Arthritis, Abuse, Infertillity, Miscarriages, and on and on more than I could ever name...Please know you are loved. Please know you are prayed for. Please don't give up. Fight a Good Fight. Find someone to fight it for. On those days when you feel weary and unable to battle any more, find strength in the love of family and friends. Life is a gift. Everyday a blessing.

Loves,

Now you really should go - hug, call or spend time with someone you love! Life is precious. Moments and Memories last forever. Go make some. 

Leave a reaction. How did you feel about this post?

Pointing out the Positives

In the past few weeks I have taken my own advice and embraced the suckage. I am not always very adept in speaking my mind. However, with the anger I was feeling I became conscious that it was time to not only feel it but start speaking it.  I was done just taking it all the time. And I started speaking my mind. In the safest place I knew, with my husband. 

I am a child of divorce. I have also been divorced and remarried myself. Yup, I am a statistic. Big hairy cry in my soup deal right? I recognize that divorced homes are the norm anymore. It amazes me how many of my students come from broken homes each year. However normal it may seem in the world, it does not make for a normal upbringing or a normal mental state on how the world is.

 For example, I always thought fighting meant leaving. I thought arguing was an invitation to start thinking about leaving. I thought loud voices meant you hate me and I suck. My now husband has taught me that none of these are true. He loves, corrects, and explains loudly. This is so foreign to me and sometimes hard for me. I have learned though over the past 10 years that loud doesn't mean you are mad. It is just his way of communicating. I feel safe with him. I feel more like me than I ever have.

So, I have been practicing being really honest about myself and how I am feeling. This may sound absurd to you. You may have always done this in your life. Me, not so much.

It is my nature to sacrifice my own needs, feelings, desires for the greater happiness of those around me. Aha moment…this may have been contributing to my angry days recently. You can only “take it” for so long. Pretending it doesn’t matter and doing your best to blow it off, when in reality…you are a person too. You deserve a say. You have a right to how you feel. Matter of fact I have even started saying that to my children. This is how I feel, sorry it affects you in a possibly upsetting way, but I have a right to my feelings. It’s sooooo much healthier than just giving up my wishes. It helps me own me. I’m accountable for my actions, thoughts, moods, and I get to be more involved. And that is a good thing for everyone.

My point? The anger is passing, the suckage slipping away. The flow of tears is subsiding. I am feeling stronger every day. I am feeling like a real person. And I am finding joy again. In the last 2-3 days I have actually been counting the positives. You know the things that bring a random smile to your face. No words. Just a smile. I have been collecting those things via photo graph. Now you have the pleasure of seeing what those things are. 

Finding my artistic roots. Creating a corner space where I can be myself. 

I absolutely love fluffy clouds. We have had skies full of them lately. Reminding me that God is everywhere.

My house lizards. We wanted one big one, but were having a hard time finding one. These two little beauties make me smile every time I come home and see them. 

Ominous clouds bringing wonderful rain to our dry desert. 

Beautiful sunrises with wisps of rain reflecting the colors of Gods love. 

I hope where ever  you are that you are creating your own photo montage of things that have brought you joy lately. If you have one you would like to share, I would love to add it to my blog. You can email it to blakesdaisy@aol.com. Let's point out the positives for a while. 

Loves.

Evolving

Occasionally, not too often thankfully, I get insomnia. I can't sleep even though my eyes and brain says I am tired. Tonight is one of those nights. 

As I lay tossing and turning contemplating the universe I realized two things. 

1st - I will probably not become a published author in the near future. I know I can always be working toward it. But, the fact is that I have too many other things on my plate. To many things I like to do. In all the books I have been studying they say in order to be a serious author you really have to dedicate time every day. I have already not succeeded at that goal. I feel I am writing all the time in my head. We all know that this doesn't really count though. It's got to be on paper in some form. (Notes, journal, blog). 

2nd - Therefore, I find this blog evolving. It started out just being a place for my writing. I have had many blogs before. Taking them down, and trying others. I feel this one will stick. It's a corner of the technological world I can throw down my thoughts and share my insights to life. It is also a place I can share my artistic endeavors. I am always creating. (I recommend you find a way to do the same.) There is something exhilarating about creating. You finish the product and think..."Wow, I did that! I'm pretty cool." I feel this about writing at times. So, I will share my writing and my crafting, painting etc. Writing is writing. And all writing is beneficial in this "someday" bucket list type of dream. 

Feel it. (For Doodles.)

This will be short tonight. I am about to start sketching for the poem I posted earlier. I sent it out to the world and got some great advice. I have edited it yet again, and think I have a good handle on it for now. It may change. That's the gift of writing. You can always make it better.

Life. Not so much. My sweet childhood friend of many years stated today that she has been really kinda crappy to everyone around her for the past few weeks. Her husband calls it fussy. We must have been beaming our emotions across the mid western states. I have been feeling the same way. Just generally pissed.

My journal entry yesterday started out something like...I’m angry. Not just mad for a moment. But real, gut wrenching I can’t get over it angry. I don’t want peace. I don’t want someone to fix it. I just want to feel it. I just want to live in it. I just want to be angry until I am ready to process the events that brought me here. I want to live here until it burns itself out and the embers leave me singed and changed forever. I want the things I am learning, living and feeling to last. I don’t want to forget.

I really have just been angry. Fire built inside and roaring away angry. After a few days of being really tearful, (which isn't new to my disposition as stated in previous posts...) I just started being grumpy to everyone. I knew why. I had already found the source. Although, it continued to develop. I didn't want to fix it. Really. I wanted to feel it.

That's my advice to you today. If you feel blue, down, crappy, fussy, angry, sad. Embrace it. Feel it. I say.

Feel it. Find the source. Let it burn out. Learn from it.

The people around you are just going to have to deal with it for a minute. If you are lucky, they love you, and they will. Allow yourself to burn the emotions out or they will just return.

I recently told my daughter and youngest son, "Life sucks and then you die." They laughed hysterically because it was the first time they had heard it. Life does suck. It sucks us down and makes us cry. It pisses us off and then we move on from the wreckage. Life may suck sometimes...but it doesn't all the time. Embrace the suckage. It won't last.

Loves.