Pointing out the Positives

In the past few weeks I have taken my own advice and embraced the suckage. I am not always very adept in speaking my mind. However, with the anger I was feeling I became conscious that it was time to not only feel it but start speaking it.  I was done just taking it all the time. And I started speaking my mind. In the safest place I knew, with my husband. 

I am a child of divorce. I have also been divorced and remarried myself. Yup, I am a statistic. Big hairy cry in my soup deal right? I recognize that divorced homes are the norm anymore. It amazes me how many of my students come from broken homes each year. However normal it may seem in the world, it does not make for a normal upbringing or a normal mental state on how the world is.

 For example, I always thought fighting meant leaving. I thought arguing was an invitation to start thinking about leaving. I thought loud voices meant you hate me and I suck. My now husband has taught me that none of these are true. He loves, corrects, and explains loudly. This is so foreign to me and sometimes hard for me. I have learned though over the past 10 years that loud doesn't mean you are mad. It is just his way of communicating. I feel safe with him. I feel more like me than I ever have.

So, I have been practicing being really honest about myself and how I am feeling. This may sound absurd to you. You may have always done this in your life. Me, not so much.

It is my nature to sacrifice my own needs, feelings, desires for the greater happiness of those around me. Aha moment…this may have been contributing to my angry days recently. You can only “take it” for so long. Pretending it doesn’t matter and doing your best to blow it off, when in reality…you are a person too. You deserve a say. You have a right to how you feel. Matter of fact I have even started saying that to my children. This is how I feel, sorry it affects you in a possibly upsetting way, but I have a right to my feelings. It’s sooooo much healthier than just giving up my wishes. It helps me own me. I’m accountable for my actions, thoughts, moods, and I get to be more involved. And that is a good thing for everyone.

My point? The anger is passing, the suckage slipping away. The flow of tears is subsiding. I am feeling stronger every day. I am feeling like a real person. And I am finding joy again. In the last 2-3 days I have actually been counting the positives. You know the things that bring a random smile to your face. No words. Just a smile. I have been collecting those things via photo graph. Now you have the pleasure of seeing what those things are. 

Finding my artistic roots. Creating a corner space where I can be myself. 

I absolutely love fluffy clouds. We have had skies full of them lately. Reminding me that God is everywhere.

My house lizards. We wanted one big one, but were having a hard time finding one. These two little beauties make me smile every time I come home and see them. 

Ominous clouds bringing wonderful rain to our dry desert. 

Beautiful sunrises with wisps of rain reflecting the colors of Gods love. 

I hope where ever  you are that you are creating your own photo montage of things that have brought you joy lately. If you have one you would like to share, I would love to add it to my blog. You can email it to blakesdaisy@aol.com. Let's point out the positives for a while. 

Loves.

Evolving

Occasionally, not too often thankfully, I get insomnia. I can't sleep even though my eyes and brain says I am tired. Tonight is one of those nights. 

As I lay tossing and turning contemplating the universe I realized two things. 

1st - I will probably not become a published author in the near future. I know I can always be working toward it. But, the fact is that I have too many other things on my plate. To many things I like to do. In all the books I have been studying they say in order to be a serious author you really have to dedicate time every day. I have already not succeeded at that goal. I feel I am writing all the time in my head. We all know that this doesn't really count though. It's got to be on paper in some form. (Notes, journal, blog). 

2nd - Therefore, I find this blog evolving. It started out just being a place for my writing. I have had many blogs before. Taking them down, and trying others. I feel this one will stick. It's a corner of the technological world I can throw down my thoughts and share my insights to life. It is also a place I can share my artistic endeavors. I am always creating. (I recommend you find a way to do the same.) There is something exhilarating about creating. You finish the product and think..."Wow, I did that! I'm pretty cool." I feel this about writing at times. So, I will share my writing and my crafting, painting etc. Writing is writing. And all writing is beneficial in this "someday" bucket list type of dream. 

Feel it. (For Doodles.)

This will be short tonight. I am about to start sketching for the poem I posted earlier. I sent it out to the world and got some great advice. I have edited it yet again, and think I have a good handle on it for now. It may change. That's the gift of writing. You can always make it better.

Life. Not so much. My sweet childhood friend of many years stated today that she has been really kinda crappy to everyone around her for the past few weeks. Her husband calls it fussy. We must have been beaming our emotions across the mid western states. I have been feeling the same way. Just generally pissed.

My journal entry yesterday started out something like...I’m angry. Not just mad for a moment. But real, gut wrenching I can’t get over it angry. I don’t want peace. I don’t want someone to fix it. I just want to feel it. I just want to live in it. I just want to be angry until I am ready to process the events that brought me here. I want to live here until it burns itself out and the embers leave me singed and changed forever. I want the things I am learning, living and feeling to last. I don’t want to forget.

I really have just been angry. Fire built inside and roaring away angry. After a few days of being really tearful, (which isn't new to my disposition as stated in previous posts...) I just started being grumpy to everyone. I knew why. I had already found the source. Although, it continued to develop. I didn't want to fix it. Really. I wanted to feel it.

That's my advice to you today. If you feel blue, down, crappy, fussy, angry, sad. Embrace it. Feel it. I say.

Feel it. Find the source. Let it burn out. Learn from it.

The people around you are just going to have to deal with it for a minute. If you are lucky, they love you, and they will. Allow yourself to burn the emotions out or they will just return.

I recently told my daughter and youngest son, "Life sucks and then you die." They laughed hysterically because it was the first time they had heard it. Life does suck. It sucks us down and makes us cry. It pisses us off and then we move on from the wreckage. Life may suck sometimes...but it doesn't all the time. Embrace the suckage. It won't last.

Loves.

Time to Leap - First Attempt

Dear friends and family. I am taking a leap. I have been scared to share my work. I have been holding it tight wanting to perfect it. At some point I realize I have to share. That is the point of writing, right? I am fearful. Mostly, because it's a part of me. A small piece. My memories.

What I am asking here is for real critical feedback. This is my first poem after a long break from writing. My goal is to perfect it, put pictures to it and then send it to publishers. I need your help. If you see or feel a stanza doesn't work well. If there is a line that doesn't quite fit...Please share your opinion. I need to hear. Please comment below. I need to perfect it and it's in that place where I have read and re-written it a hundred times.

It's a poem for my babies. It will be a book (I hope) with my illustrations for you and your babies. If I get it just right. I may just self-publish. I will let you know. Here are the words. For now, your mind will have to create the pictures.

Shooing Away the Night

The sun drifts dreamily down to bed,

Signaling to me that it’s time to close my eyes

And rest my weary head.

Picking me up tight, and snuggling me in close,

Momma hums a ‘silent night’ symphony

And whispers, “I love you most.”

She rubs my ears and kisses my cheek,

Tucking my blankets just right, clicking off the day

she lets in the night.

The night is dark, speaking creaking voices in my ears.

My heart gets hot, my arms grow tight

as my room fills up with fears.

Gloomy groggles and green eyeballs,

Shadowy creatures dance upon my walls.

Tickling windows make me chill.

Petrified by darkness I groan.

And just when I think that I will never find sleep,

I peek out the covers, as quietly she creeps.

She draws near me back into my room.

Warmth and light slipping through her silhouette.

On tiptoes she sneaks, she’s still humming that tune.

Kindly she clicks on the night light,

As sweetly she says, “Sweet bug, we forgot to pray.”

She has come, shooing away the night.

Okay. Now it's your turn. Do I need more lines? Do I need to take some out? Can you picture it as a children's literature book? Or is it just a nice poem? Please don't be afraid to speak the truth. I need it. 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step right? So, here I go. Let me have it. Please leave your comment below. 

Sending out love and joy. 

Finding Joy

We have returned from our wanderings.

It was a whirl wind of a trip. We spent 13 days visiting with family. Driving 500 miles to get there. Sleeping on the floor and loving time with our extended family. It was pleasant. Yet, I can honestly say that traveling can often feel like you have become a tumble weed blowing in the wind. I agree with whomever said that there is No place like home.

Today, my children have gone for time with their father. They will be there the next 4 weeks. The house is quiet and I have been reflecting. My reflecting has been random and I intend to share more the next few days. They are just tidbits that need a place to reside for the moment.

Being a Student...Instead of the teacher.

Many times in life we become students. I am a teacher of Language Arts during the school year. I ended my year entirely burned out. I have been hesitant this summer to prepare as I usually have in past years. In my resistance to return to the classroom this coming fall, I have found that I am rather enjoying learning about becoming a writer. I have stumbled upon all sorts of books that have been feeding my empty heart. Teachers give so much. I gave all. I realize that May be why I feel so empty.  It is funny that upon deciding that I wanted to go this route I have come to realize, I have already been a writer for some time. Though I may, at some point find a way to be published to share with the world, I recognize I have already done this as well. Here.. as you read my thoughts, I have been published. Though many may not agree it's the same, it is in the technological world we live in, truth.

One of the books that have found their way to me and that I am rapidly devouring is Take Joy by Jane Yolen. I had read her children's books in the past. Only a few. (How do Dinosaurs... series.) How-Dinosaurs-Say-Happy-Birthday is an example. The thoughts Jane shares speak to me on a deep level. She is real, encouraging, happy and honest in stating  that as a writer you can only control, Joy. You cannot control the editors who will decide if your work is worthy based on their opinions of what is popular, and what will sell. You cannot control who will appreciate or identify with your artistic contributions.

I have found that my reflecting has led me to be real also. Finding my purpose for print changed. I will write for me. I will write for joy. I will write to find peace in my life. I will write to find my way. I have started by writing poetry. Rediscovering my love of verse. Telling stories within them of my children and their childhood. Then perhaps reaching deep within my soul to create and find something magical from my own life. I can only hope to write anything that will touch others. I know that if nothing else I will reach my grand children. And, I will find joy along the way. What great advice even in our daily endeavors.