Melt Down

Ever had one of those days where the smallest thing sets you off. It's not really that little thing that made everything boil up to tears. It's all the events building up and that one thing just knocks you off your everyday balancing act of being in an even positive mood.

I have had plenty of setbacks in my lifetime. Therefore, it shouldn't be a surprise when it happens. Upon starting this project I have been pretty upbeat and optimistic. Feeling like it might be an answer for me. Answer to feeling up and satisfied. It's a work in progress of course, but I really felt this new goal, to read and write and draw was going to help me feel fulfilled. I kinda felt like my melt down came out of nowhere. I could feel myself boiling up. The reason? Paint.

I tend to hold a lot in. I have realized recently that someone to talk to is really important. Most people pay a lot of money to have someone safe to talk to. At this point in life I am just using other things as releases. Writing. Drawing. Crafting. Writing is like talking but no one talks back and tells you that your normal. Writing doesn't validate your perspective or opinion. It doesn't snuggle you while you cry. People are important. My problem is that I put everyone first. All the time. I'm self-sacrificing. I give until I'm empty and I'm not really good about insisting my needs are met.

Doing something for me today was in my sights. I wanted to buy artistic paints for watercolor. Winsor & Newton to be exact. This brand, in my experience has been the best "non-student" type watercolor paint. But then I saw the Van Gogh watercolor paint. As you know from previous posts he's one of my painting inspirations. I thought when I saw the Van Gogh paint that they would be cool to try! Yet, as I looked at both types of paints I began to get frustrated. I went into the store so hopeful that this would help me on my quest to paint children's books. Hoping that it would help me feel a peace and happiness I have been lacking. No sooner had I found the paints with a huge grin on my face, then suddenly the wind in my sails began to diminish. The light went out in my heart and the smile faded from my lips. Sticker shock. I went from disappointed, to angry, to tears in a matter of 15 minutes by the time I left the store.

I could continue to elaborate. But I'm weary. Tonight, just know that today, I learned that melt downs are normal. And no one had to validate me by saying so. I'm still o.k. It was just a bad day. I do not have a bad life. Neither do you.