Ridiculous

I am irritated lately. A lot. I have convinced myself I will probably feel sweet release if I do some venting about things that are ridiculous.

1 - It's absurd that I do not have time to write more. Heck, not just write but read, doodle, craft, be creative. I walk around like a bottle of tension waiting for a venue to spill over. (Usually on my own cheeks.) This happened today as my passions overtook me and I could not control my emotions about my students. I felt strongly to advocate for something that turned out to be a silly thing to fight for. I get so frustrated when one thing piles up after another and blaaaah. It all comes streaming out. Ugh. I hate it. I have got to find the time to be me, create! Get my aggravations out of me and let go of my emotions in a less public way.

2- Testing. It's asinine. My own children say I use that word too much. But, really there is no other word for testing America's children by one standardized test and forcing them to measure up to the rest of the nation. It's like asking the red crayon to make sure it colors everything purple this year. It's asinine.

3 - The Mockingjay. I haven't seen it yet. My children have seen it 2 or 3 times in the theater. I haven't seen it yet. Ridiculous.

4- Vacations aren't really a break. They are opportunities to catch up with your other life. Your home life. But, when you actually get to that break you often have company or are traveling and nothing gets caught up on. Absurd x's 20.

5 - People who don't like and are intent on ruining Christmas. This has got to be one of the absolute most amazing times of the year. People are giving. People are returning home for visits with family. People are loving and focused on the Savior Jesus Christ in a way that isn't politically correct the rest of the year. Christ. Gifts. Giving. Love. Who in their right heart wouldn't love it. I know people who don't. And I wish you would go to an island by yourself for the month of December. The scrooge island of misfits. Leave the rest of us to be happy.

I'm Happy!!! Don't Ruin it!!

And finally the last one for the night

6 - Men. They need to rule the world. Feel respected and valued. I get it. We need to properly care for them because they take care of us. Don't get me wrong - most days I am grateful. Today, however, I am not. Today, I think their need for control,  along side their often grumpy irrational outbreaks just puts everyone on pins and needles. Men and their bad behaving moments have the potential, as it did today to set the worlds axis off kilter and ruin my day. (And it was such a lovely day with a delay start, and snowfall.)

That's all for tonight folks. I should be in bed.

Summer is Gone. What's Up These Days.

Hello friends.
Been a while. I think about making an entry just about everyday. I write in my head on the way to work. I write in my head at school and while I am making dinner. Unfortunately, I just don't write it down for you all to read it.

I am back in school. I teach 6th grade Language Arts. It's been a stressful year already. It's not fun when the source of your stress is everything outside your home. But, I guess we are all that way.

Not only am I back in school, I have also been called to work with the girls youth group at my church. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are called to work as different helpers. I get to work with the 12 year old girls. They are so much fun.

I had to share a document I created for the youth in our ward. We are getting ready to do a missionary week. The kids are challenged to do different activities to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ to earn points. The document turned out really well and I wanted to share it for others to use.

Click here to download the free document

It's free. Because I believe anything that has to do with church or our Savior Jesus Christ should be shared. I hope you have as much fun as I am hoping we will with this activity.

Loves.

Updates on Kim

This is a small gift to cheer Kim. I know even though I can't see her how beautiful she is even without her hair. 

She cut her hair last week. By the weekend she had to shave it. Read it in her own words. It's a tender story. RYAN LOVES KIM. 

If you are able please donate to help her financial struggles. With a new baby, a daughter who had a week long stay in ICU for pneumonia and then her treatments it has been a rough year. Her husband is self-employed with a tile company in St. George Utah. You never met a harder worker than Ryan. If you can please help. If you can't please share. Kim's Fight for her Family.

Loves,

Keeping it Painfully REAL.

Write your story. Even if your story isn't always pleasant and upbeat right? My goal has been to be positive and feel good. In writing our stories and posting our statuses I think we often leave out the bad. On purpose. Who wants to show their crazy. In an effort to be a REAL person, I need to write today for me. I need to open up the pain and spread it out on the screen, in hopes that it will just get out of me.  I will not be sharing this on Facebook on my blog page. It is for me. It is for my readers. No matter how few. I hope you find it to be the truth as I see it. And I hope in some small way if you are reading it, or choose to share it with anyone, it will help. It will help you find hope.

Today, is Sunday. One of my favorite days of the week. I get to go to the house of God and fill my cup by taking the sacrament and learning or teaching of him. I have not written of my travels to the mountains with my husband. I will. We returned on Friday. It was relaxing and restful. When I share the photos you will hopefully feel the peace we enjoyed. I digress. It's Sunday. As I prepared to go to church I suddenly became very weepy. It continued for an hour and my mind and memories began to attack. 

I have made many mistakes in my life. Ammunition for low days. I believe in a higher power. I also know there is an evil power and it knows when to fire. This morning it was firing. It came quickly and I was not prepared. I tried to fight. I listened to an uplifting and understanding talk. I made food. I got my pretty on. Nothing. Nothing helped. I sad down to eat and the wave of depression finally consumed every inch of my entire being. I broke down and cried. 

I still tried to positive self talk. "It will pass" and "I just need to get to church." As I sat trying to eat the tears ran like a river down my cheeks and wouldn't quit. A wave of fear washed over me and I realized I wasn't going anywhere. I walked in to tell my husband. Who was oblivious to my emotions at this time. It freaked him out. He didn't know what to say, or do. Men want to fix. They want to find meaning and the root so it can be fixed. However, there was no root that I knew of at the time. I told him so. He quietly, perhaps a bit frustrated walked away and changed out of his church clothing. Now lower than low, means I want to be alone. So, at first I felt mad that he didn't go without me. Then from his office he suggested we watch Conference from April since we were not going. I agreed. (Looking back, I am grateful for his presence of mind to stay and keep me busy.) 

I sat down in my recliner in his office. (It's his man cave but I have a pink recliner in there. True love right?) I elevated my feet. Kleenex in hand and water to the side. I listened to men of God and hoped for a lift. Lift in my mood, lift in my mind, lift of light. See, when I get this way it's a deep dark abyss. I can say that and even that description cannot fully help you understand. A deep dark pit. My body felt this energy draining darkness and it went from my toes to the top of my head. I am 41 years old and trying for the first time to learn to deal with this on my own. I have a lot of skills. But, in that cataclysmic moment of pitch black hell the skills didn't mean shit. It hurts. It's painful. It is a nightmare. I could barely move. 

The worst part is the that there is really no reason. I mean I can say it must be because my summer is almost over and I am struggling wanting to go back to teaching. It is so draining being a teacher, mom, wife and Sunday school teacher. I literally have no time for myself and it's really difficult. But, good hell - I don't have a life threatening disease. I have a beautiful home. I am living in New Mexico with my children just down the street. I have a pretty damn good life. Yet, there I sit...bawling. Uncontrollably. It really pisses me off. 

Today is Monday now. I can at least function some. In large part because Jeff didn't leave me alone. I am trying to get busy. I am not going into work early this week like I planned. I decided I better enjoy my last week at home and do somethings here that I really enjoy and want to do. I am about to recover my chairs. We get a new couch in a few weeks. Red. My favorite color. 

If I could give advise. If that is what you want. If you need a happy ending. I guess I would say. Be honest about your pain. About your illness. If you are having a bad day tell someone. Then allow them to be there for you. Even if you don't want them to be. This will pass. It always does. I have to take time for me. I suggest you do the same. When your ready a friend, spouse, counselor is good to talk with about how you are feeling. Not someone who is going to demand to fix it. Someone who can quietly sit with you, and talk to you as you are ready. You can sort through it. And you should. A little bit at a time.

Remember - If you need to sleep. Sleep. If you need to sit on the couch and watch mindless movies. Take the time to do it. If you do not care for yourself and take the time your body is telling you that you need, the illness will control you. Don't let it be the boss. You are the boss. Take control and take care of you. 

Lastly, find light. Create something. Last night when I finally felt I could leave the recliner I came to the living room and began to draw. (Technically, doodle.) I want to do clip art of people to use on my documents. My own clip art. So, I doodled. It helped. Create something. Find a way to make something. Get the pain out. Write or talk about it. Find the light. It is in you. No matter how dark you feel. The light is there. You were born with it and it never goes out. Find it. 

Loves, 

Finding Purpose in the Process

Lately, it's been a roller coaster. Summer is winding down and I am running out of days. I hate to think about my new little project having to take a side seat to life, but I know it will. Teaching is not a 8-4 job. It's all day, everyday, evenings and weekends. I love my students but the work almost does me in.

I thought I could show you what I have been working on as far as reaching my dream. It's slow going. But, I am not in a hurry. I am just happy to be in my happy place working on something I love.

After revising the poem that so many of you read and shared your thoughts about, I wrote the words out on 3x5 cards. Then I sketched on 3x5 cards that I laid next to the story line. I cannot tell a lie. The illustrating hasn't come as easy as the writing.

I have taken art classes. I have painted watercolor, oil, acrylic. I almost have enough art credits to have an art endorsement with my teaching degree. Almost. I am not secure in my painted art. I think it's good, but I also KNOW it's amateurish. I know I have a long way to go and no time to dedicate to it. It's a passion largely for me and me alone. Sure I might share it with those I love. But, I can tell you I only know of one painting that hangs on a wall. A lily I painted for my grandmother. To be honest I think I saw that in the closet last time I visited. I have cousins that I consider artists. I qualify myself as a doodler.

I remember vividly a day in middle school where I was sitting in class and really must not have had anything better to do because I started doodling on my jeans. My mother can attest to this. I wonder sometimes how long it took for the ink to come off those pants. I started at my hip pocket and literally doodled all the way down one side of my pants. I wish I had a picture of that. It is a memory that makes me very happy.

The point is, I am not sure I am the right girl to illustrate my writing. As I work up to it, because art is a process, I know I want the pictures to be watercolor. Watercolor is by far my favorite medium. It can be light and airy. White is the color you lay other colors on. They can be washed out or you can make them dark. Though at parts my story feels dark, there is an underlying light to the whole thing. Therefore, I began by stretching a bunch of canvases to get back into the groove of painting. I decided I needed to just paint. Practice.

 The creative process really is magic. You can have idea's in your head. However, if you are willing to simply let go, release your will and let it happen, that is when paintings become art. That process is what I love and live for. It's like nothing I have ever felt before. Everything in the background of your life is surrendered and muted. All that is real in that moment is the paint and the brush and becoming. As I sit typing I am pulled to that other realm. It is Utopia.

So, my thought is to just get back into the swing of it. Paint a few things and let it evolve. Let it become. I don't have any deadlines. I am not doing this for a publisher. And I think that is the way I will always want to work. Not deadlines. No one telling me how or what to do. I am determined to be self-published. Once I am, you my audience will be the first to have the pleasure of purchasing my work. Until then...this is how the creative process of painting has been progressing.

First, I soak the ARCHES watercolor paper in my bath tub. This cotton like paper almost feels like cloth when it absorbs the water. It's expensive paper. I bought mine while I was attending college classes at Dixie State College. I have a nice stockpile. When I run out, I will probably go back there and get more. Or when I visit. As alumni I get 10% off my purchases forever. Another good place to purchase is cheapjoes art stuff.  It needs to soak a bit. All the pores of the paper need to soak up the H2O. So, I leave it and go do something else.

When I return to the tub I have prepared my foam board. The kind you buy at walmart. Usually used for science projects. I cut it into smaller boards and take the paper out of the tub one at a time. Laying the wet paper on the foam board I stretch it. I staple the paper on one side and literally pull on the paper. Then staple all side and put tape around the edges when it's dry. Now if you want to paint wet on wet, you would pull out your paint supplies and start right in on painting.  I am not sure what I am going to paint still and want to do some dream sleeping, sketching, photo research therefore I let mine just dry.

Before I can be ready to paint I know I have to do a few things. Now, all creative processes are different. You do not have to follow my madness. There is madness in my method. I am like a kitty cat circling, crouching, sneaking, and preparing to pounce on that grasshopper. Then bam! It's time to paint. All that build up, it's important to me. Although, sometimes I wonder if it is just me putting off failure. Often art disappoints. It doesn't turn out like it was in your head.) Nevertheless, it's my method and I follow it.

Next, I make sure I have all my supplies. I order on amazon. I use coupons to michaels for %50 off. I cut corners and shave cost as much as I can. Art supplies do cost quite a bit. Especially the good ones. And if you care about what you are doing. You want the good ones. It causes me pause, how many amazing possibles begin doing art with the student supplies, get frustrated and walk away. Art can be painful. It takes practice. It especially takes patience. The types of paint and paper, sponges, paintbrushes, crayons, tape...it all matters. If you want a list that I recommend, it's kinda small. I feel less is more. But, I would be willing to share that with you.

Paper stretched - check. Supplies - check. Now I need to make sure my sugar basket is full. I make sure I have something to drink and munch while I work. Otherwise, I will have to interrupt serendipitous work. And interrupted work can be deadly if you are in the zone. The creative zone.

For me, I must have water or sprite, chocolate, peppermint, cinnamon and the absolute must in this mix is the packages of skittles. You are thinking I have a sugar problem and I am telling you a little sugar on the tongue can fire up the brain and keep it going. It's a fact.

Okay, everything is set. Ready to paint. But, I am still apprehensive. The pictures aren't formed in my mind yet. I am not feeling confident and ready to create. That is why I doodle.

Wait...What? Doodle. Really. Yes. Really. Days and days of doodling, if necessary. Trying to get the cobwebs moving out of the way of the pictures in my head. So, I doodle. I get creative. I even do craft projects. In all I am artistic in every way except for the painting. So, as of today... it's been days of this and eventually I will get to the painting. For now I am still in the process of doodling. In fact, once I am finished I will be going to continue coloring the doodling. I intend to frame it. Put it above my desk at school.

Yes, I teach. Not because I can't do otherwise, but because everyone needs a day job. This month of July has been so therapeutic. I have realized, quite frankly, that  I am so much more than my day job. If nothing else can come of my adventure toward my dream this summer, at least I am now on the path. I know who I am. The cocoon is forming. Chrystlus is surrounding me in warmth and hope. Becoming a teacher is not the end-all-be-all. It is a gift and I am thankful for that great gift God granted me... in being a teacher. However, there is much more to me. I am excited to evolve, fly and share.

My sincere wish for you tonight is that you, my friends, are on your quest to discover who you are. What you have to offer. My childhood friend Dara, calls them WhisperingS. I like that. A lot. I think we all have WhisperingS. These are feelings always in your mind, things that God has in store for us. He knows us better than we can. He believes in us more than we are able. His plan is bigger than we can see in the moment. I know my story isn't finished. I know I am to do and be more. What an exciting adventure. I hope you are feeling or finding yours as well.

As my BFF's at Disney (Yes, I speak fluent Disney. I hope you do. There is nothing more amazing than the Disney movies. The messages, the artwork. Ahhh.) have stated very fittingly,

  ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

Remember never let yourself become complacent or even feel you have been defined. We are always changing. Our adventures are always changing.

What will you write, draw, photograph, paint, 
or doodle in your book of adventures?

I would love for you to share what your adventure or dream is right now. If you are brave enough to give it word on a page. :) 

Loves.