Updates on Kim

This is a small gift to cheer Kim. I know even though I can't see her how beautiful she is even without her hair. 

She cut her hair last week. By the weekend she had to shave it. Read it in her own words. It's a tender story. RYAN LOVES KIM. 

If you are able please donate to help her financial struggles. With a new baby, a daughter who had a week long stay in ICU for pneumonia and then her treatments it has been a rough year. Her husband is self-employed with a tile company in St. George Utah. You never met a harder worker than Ryan. If you can please help. If you can't please share. Kim's Fight for her Family.

Loves,

Keeping it Painfully REAL.

Write your story. Even if your story isn't always pleasant and upbeat right? My goal has been to be positive and feel good. In writing our stories and posting our statuses I think we often leave out the bad. On purpose. Who wants to show their crazy. In an effort to be a REAL person, I need to write today for me. I need to open up the pain and spread it out on the screen, in hopes that it will just get out of me.  I will not be sharing this on Facebook on my blog page. It is for me. It is for my readers. No matter how few. I hope you find it to be the truth as I see it. And I hope in some small way if you are reading it, or choose to share it with anyone, it will help. It will help you find hope.

Today, is Sunday. One of my favorite days of the week. I get to go to the house of God and fill my cup by taking the sacrament and learning or teaching of him. I have not written of my travels to the mountains with my husband. I will. We returned on Friday. It was relaxing and restful. When I share the photos you will hopefully feel the peace we enjoyed. I digress. It's Sunday. As I prepared to go to church I suddenly became very weepy. It continued for an hour and my mind and memories began to attack. 

I have made many mistakes in my life. Ammunition for low days. I believe in a higher power. I also know there is an evil power and it knows when to fire. This morning it was firing. It came quickly and I was not prepared. I tried to fight. I listened to an uplifting and understanding talk. I made food. I got my pretty on. Nothing. Nothing helped. I sad down to eat and the wave of depression finally consumed every inch of my entire being. I broke down and cried. 

I still tried to positive self talk. "It will pass" and "I just need to get to church." As I sat trying to eat the tears ran like a river down my cheeks and wouldn't quit. A wave of fear washed over me and I realized I wasn't going anywhere. I walked in to tell my husband. Who was oblivious to my emotions at this time. It freaked him out. He didn't know what to say, or do. Men want to fix. They want to find meaning and the root so it can be fixed. However, there was no root that I knew of at the time. I told him so. He quietly, perhaps a bit frustrated walked away and changed out of his church clothing. Now lower than low, means I want to be alone. So, at first I felt mad that he didn't go without me. Then from his office he suggested we watch Conference from April since we were not going. I agreed. (Looking back, I am grateful for his presence of mind to stay and keep me busy.) 

I sat down in my recliner in his office. (It's his man cave but I have a pink recliner in there. True love right?) I elevated my feet. Kleenex in hand and water to the side. I listened to men of God and hoped for a lift. Lift in my mood, lift in my mind, lift of light. See, when I get this way it's a deep dark abyss. I can say that and even that description cannot fully help you understand. A deep dark pit. My body felt this energy draining darkness and it went from my toes to the top of my head. I am 41 years old and trying for the first time to learn to deal with this on my own. I have a lot of skills. But, in that cataclysmic moment of pitch black hell the skills didn't mean shit. It hurts. It's painful. It is a nightmare. I could barely move. 

The worst part is the that there is really no reason. I mean I can say it must be because my summer is almost over and I am struggling wanting to go back to teaching. It is so draining being a teacher, mom, wife and Sunday school teacher. I literally have no time for myself and it's really difficult. But, good hell - I don't have a life threatening disease. I have a beautiful home. I am living in New Mexico with my children just down the street. I have a pretty damn good life. Yet, there I sit...bawling. Uncontrollably. It really pisses me off. 

Today is Monday now. I can at least function some. In large part because Jeff didn't leave me alone. I am trying to get busy. I am not going into work early this week like I planned. I decided I better enjoy my last week at home and do somethings here that I really enjoy and want to do. I am about to recover my chairs. We get a new couch in a few weeks. Red. My favorite color. 

If I could give advise. If that is what you want. If you need a happy ending. I guess I would say. Be honest about your pain. About your illness. If you are having a bad day tell someone. Then allow them to be there for you. Even if you don't want them to be. This will pass. It always does. I have to take time for me. I suggest you do the same. When your ready a friend, spouse, counselor is good to talk with about how you are feeling. Not someone who is going to demand to fix it. Someone who can quietly sit with you, and talk to you as you are ready. You can sort through it. And you should. A little bit at a time.

Remember - If you need to sleep. Sleep. If you need to sit on the couch and watch mindless movies. Take the time to do it. If you do not care for yourself and take the time your body is telling you that you need, the illness will control you. Don't let it be the boss. You are the boss. Take control and take care of you. 

Lastly, find light. Create something. Last night when I finally felt I could leave the recliner I came to the living room and began to draw. (Technically, doodle.) I want to do clip art of people to use on my documents. My own clip art. So, I doodled. It helped. Create something. Find a way to make something. Get the pain out. Write or talk about it. Find the light. It is in you. No matter how dark you feel. The light is there. You were born with it and it never goes out. Find it. 

Loves, 

Finding Purpose in the Process

Lately, it's been a roller coaster. Summer is winding down and I am running out of days. I hate to think about my new little project having to take a side seat to life, but I know it will. Teaching is not a 8-4 job. It's all day, everyday, evenings and weekends. I love my students but the work almost does me in.

I thought I could show you what I have been working on as far as reaching my dream. It's slow going. But, I am not in a hurry. I am just happy to be in my happy place working on something I love.

After revising the poem that so many of you read and shared your thoughts about, I wrote the words out on 3x5 cards. Then I sketched on 3x5 cards that I laid next to the story line. I cannot tell a lie. The illustrating hasn't come as easy as the writing.

I have taken art classes. I have painted watercolor, oil, acrylic. I almost have enough art credits to have an art endorsement with my teaching degree. Almost. I am not secure in my painted art. I think it's good, but I also KNOW it's amateurish. I know I have a long way to go and no time to dedicate to it. It's a passion largely for me and me alone. Sure I might share it with those I love. But, I can tell you I only know of one painting that hangs on a wall. A lily I painted for my grandmother. To be honest I think I saw that in the closet last time I visited. I have cousins that I consider artists. I qualify myself as a doodler.

I remember vividly a day in middle school where I was sitting in class and really must not have had anything better to do because I started doodling on my jeans. My mother can attest to this. I wonder sometimes how long it took for the ink to come off those pants. I started at my hip pocket and literally doodled all the way down one side of my pants. I wish I had a picture of that. It is a memory that makes me very happy.

The point is, I am not sure I am the right girl to illustrate my writing. As I work up to it, because art is a process, I know I want the pictures to be watercolor. Watercolor is by far my favorite medium. It can be light and airy. White is the color you lay other colors on. They can be washed out or you can make them dark. Though at parts my story feels dark, there is an underlying light to the whole thing. Therefore, I began by stretching a bunch of canvases to get back into the groove of painting. I decided I needed to just paint. Practice.

 The creative process really is magic. You can have idea's in your head. However, if you are willing to simply let go, release your will and let it happen, that is when paintings become art. That process is what I love and live for. It's like nothing I have ever felt before. Everything in the background of your life is surrendered and muted. All that is real in that moment is the paint and the brush and becoming. As I sit typing I am pulled to that other realm. It is Utopia.

So, my thought is to just get back into the swing of it. Paint a few things and let it evolve. Let it become. I don't have any deadlines. I am not doing this for a publisher. And I think that is the way I will always want to work. Not deadlines. No one telling me how or what to do. I am determined to be self-published. Once I am, you my audience will be the first to have the pleasure of purchasing my work. Until then...this is how the creative process of painting has been progressing.

First, I soak the ARCHES watercolor paper in my bath tub. This cotton like paper almost feels like cloth when it absorbs the water. It's expensive paper. I bought mine while I was attending college classes at Dixie State College. I have a nice stockpile. When I run out, I will probably go back there and get more. Or when I visit. As alumni I get 10% off my purchases forever. Another good place to purchase is cheapjoes art stuff.  It needs to soak a bit. All the pores of the paper need to soak up the H2O. So, I leave it and go do something else.

When I return to the tub I have prepared my foam board. The kind you buy at walmart. Usually used for science projects. I cut it into smaller boards and take the paper out of the tub one at a time. Laying the wet paper on the foam board I stretch it. I staple the paper on one side and literally pull on the paper. Then staple all side and put tape around the edges when it's dry. Now if you want to paint wet on wet, you would pull out your paint supplies and start right in on painting.  I am not sure what I am going to paint still and want to do some dream sleeping, sketching, photo research therefore I let mine just dry.

Before I can be ready to paint I know I have to do a few things. Now, all creative processes are different. You do not have to follow my madness. There is madness in my method. I am like a kitty cat circling, crouching, sneaking, and preparing to pounce on that grasshopper. Then bam! It's time to paint. All that build up, it's important to me. Although, sometimes I wonder if it is just me putting off failure. Often art disappoints. It doesn't turn out like it was in your head.) Nevertheless, it's my method and I follow it.

Next, I make sure I have all my supplies. I order on amazon. I use coupons to michaels for %50 off. I cut corners and shave cost as much as I can. Art supplies do cost quite a bit. Especially the good ones. And if you care about what you are doing. You want the good ones. It causes me pause, how many amazing possibles begin doing art with the student supplies, get frustrated and walk away. Art can be painful. It takes practice. It especially takes patience. The types of paint and paper, sponges, paintbrushes, crayons, tape...it all matters. If you want a list that I recommend, it's kinda small. I feel less is more. But, I would be willing to share that with you.

Paper stretched - check. Supplies - check. Now I need to make sure my sugar basket is full. I make sure I have something to drink and munch while I work. Otherwise, I will have to interrupt serendipitous work. And interrupted work can be deadly if you are in the zone. The creative zone.

For me, I must have water or sprite, chocolate, peppermint, cinnamon and the absolute must in this mix is the packages of skittles. You are thinking I have a sugar problem and I am telling you a little sugar on the tongue can fire up the brain and keep it going. It's a fact.

Okay, everything is set. Ready to paint. But, I am still apprehensive. The pictures aren't formed in my mind yet. I am not feeling confident and ready to create. That is why I doodle.

Wait...What? Doodle. Really. Yes. Really. Days and days of doodling, if necessary. Trying to get the cobwebs moving out of the way of the pictures in my head. So, I doodle. I get creative. I even do craft projects. In all I am artistic in every way except for the painting. So, as of today... it's been days of this and eventually I will get to the painting. For now I am still in the process of doodling. In fact, once I am finished I will be going to continue coloring the doodling. I intend to frame it. Put it above my desk at school.

Yes, I teach. Not because I can't do otherwise, but because everyone needs a day job. This month of July has been so therapeutic. I have realized, quite frankly, that  I am so much more than my day job. If nothing else can come of my adventure toward my dream this summer, at least I am now on the path. I know who I am. The cocoon is forming. Chrystlus is surrounding me in warmth and hope. Becoming a teacher is not the end-all-be-all. It is a gift and I am thankful for that great gift God granted me... in being a teacher. However, there is much more to me. I am excited to evolve, fly and share.

My sincere wish for you tonight is that you, my friends, are on your quest to discover who you are. What you have to offer. My childhood friend Dara, calls them WhisperingS. I like that. A lot. I think we all have WhisperingS. These are feelings always in your mind, things that God has in store for us. He knows us better than we can. He believes in us more than we are able. His plan is bigger than we can see in the moment. I know my story isn't finished. I know I am to do and be more. What an exciting adventure. I hope you are feeling or finding yours as well.

As my BFF's at Disney (Yes, I speak fluent Disney. I hope you do. There is nothing more amazing than the Disney movies. The messages, the artwork. Ahhh.) have stated very fittingly,

  ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

Remember never let yourself become complacent or even feel you have been defined. We are always changing. Our adventures are always changing.

What will you write, draw, photograph, paint, 
or doodle in your book of adventures?

I would love for you to share what your adventure or dream is right now. If you are brave enough to give it word on a page. :) 

Loves.

Cancer Doesn't Care - Tribute to a Friend

Cancer sucks is the sentiment of the day. It is unanimous. Via a FaceBook post I put up on my personal page I have received explicit comments about how people "hate it!" What inspired me to post something about cancer? It all started with a random visit to check in with the world of facebook. But, lets go back just a little more.

6:00 a.m. - I started walking in a small group of women lately, really early mornings. I love it. I see the sunrise everyday. (More writings to come on this event.) We finished up at about 7:30 and I came home. Fed the neighbors turtle for them because they are out of town. Went home to get ready for the day.

8:15 a.m. - Left the house to go to the school. No school doesn't start until August 7th. But, teachers are never really on vacation. I went to meet the new 6th grade Language Arts teacher and share some ideas with her.

10:00 a.m. - Left the school to go to a doctors appointment. I am now at the lovely age of mammograms. Officially, I should have started getting them last year. I have heard how painful they are, therefore I unintentionally put it off. Summer is quickly closing and I knew now was the time. Teacher rarely take time off for health.

10:30 a.m. - The doctor enters the room, feels me up, says he feels nothing. I'm thinking, "Gee thanks." haha Tells me he wants to write the papers up for my first mammogram. "Get dressed, I will be back." He says. So, I get dressed and sit and wait. Synonymous for doctors offices I know. As I sit and wait, I log in to FaceBook. What else do you do in the world of 2014, am I right?

I am scrolling down and come to a very upsetting post about one of my dearest friends in the world. Announcing she has cancer. My intake of breath was audible. My tears screaming to come out. I start kicking myself because I receive emails with her post to her family blog and I am SURE I received her post about it but breezed past it because we were on vacation.

11:00 a.m. - I am leaving the office and calling her the second I hit the front door. I am calling every number I have, the whole time kicking myself for not keeping in better contact. I didn't get her on the phone but I left messages at each. No tears yet. My mind is just reeling.

11:15 a.m. - get home and tell my husband Jeff. At this point I am pissed. She just had a baby. Like just barely. She is younger than me. She has four children. I am pissed. I get my laptop out thinking I need some therapy or some mind numbing nothingness.

12:00 p.m. - Jeff makes sandwiches and tells me I should call her husband. I state how angry I am. Listing off all the reasons it's not fair. She is young. She has four kids. She just had a baby.  He says, "Cancer doesn't care." Now, the tears are flowing. I need to talk to her. I call her husband. Then, I text him when he doesn't answer.

12:59 p.m. - He calls. It's aggressive. It's breast cancer. She has to go through 18 weeks of chemo. It's treatable. Once the cancer shrinks they will take it out and hopefully that is the end of it. It has not spread to any other part of her body. If there is such a thing as good news with cancer, I think I have just heard it. She texts me and says she promises to call later.

By this point I am bawling like a baby. It's probably best that she doesn't call. It feels like a personal attack. Jeff and I have family who have been fighting cancer. They are closest to Jeff and while it has and does affect me, (especially losing his father),  for some reason this just cuts me so deep. In an effort to feel better I start remembering. I start looking through photos of she and I on FaceBook. Then, I realize I have so many more in my albums. So, I go looking through those and start collecting them.

It's then that it hits me and I realize. I don't have a lot of friends. Not close friends. I am an introvert. I am a homebody. I am comfortable in my happy place.  It is sincerely painful for me to make new friends. But, the friends that do come into my life, like Kim, and take the time to know me, and in return I them, there is a bond for me that is unbreakable. They are my family. I have always been okay with my small circle of very close friends. The kind you can call up and it seems like you have never been apart. They are the best kind.  Kim is one of those people who broke through my exterior, slowly, simply and at our own pace. I trust her with my inner most anything. We understand each other. She is an introvert. She is a kindred spirit. And I love her dearly.

After talking to her on the phone around 3 p.m. I am feeling as well as I can about this turn of events in the plan I have for all my friends. (To live for ever and always be.) She is battling. She is brave. Most days. She is fighting for her family. I am proud of her and the example of not giving up that she is. I am thankful for the gift of our friendship. I am thankful for Ryan, her husband, who loves her like no one else on the planet. She tells him he doesn't have to come to appointments and he shows up to them before she gets there. He is self- employed. He works hard and plays harder. He loves Kim without an Amen. I am thankful beyond words for the love he shows her.

If you are interested in following her fight, you can read about her on her blog. Fighting for my family. The link is under the life inspirations list of blogs on the left. If you would like to donate to her family in her fight please follow this link Youcare-Kim'sfightforherfamily.  This is medical fundraiser and will help support them over the next year in all her treatments.  I love you Kim. I am here for you. Any day or night. Praying. Always Praying. Always thinking of you.

Now, I like happy endings so to end on a pleasant note...she will hate this but, I simply must share the very few photos I have of the lovely Kim. She is usually behind the camera so truly they are not many.

Usually the only way Kim would let you photograph her. :)

 In the beginning of our PLAY DAYS I had to sneak photos of her. I was so lonely without the kids. We started hanging out way before I met Jeff. She would take me out in nature and do her best to cheer me up.

Kim and Daisy.

When my kids would come to visit, she and Ryan and I would go out and take them to play. We went to their many spots and had picnics and hiked.

Nick Loving on Kim.

The kids and I with Kim and Abby at the weeping rock at Zions Canyon. 

Playing at a park. We love parks.

Our Play days or times of getting together are few and far between. But, every time we talk or I get to St. George it is always like we never stopped playing. I am thankful for each and every memory and all the ones we will make in the future!!

Eating cheetos in the park with her two oldest children after playing in the water at a park.

I hope all of you out there, battling anything... Epilepsy, MS, Arthritis, Abuse, Infertillity, Miscarriages, and on and on more than I could ever name...Please know you are loved. Please know you are prayed for. Please don't give up. Fight a Good Fight. Find someone to fight it for. On those days when you feel weary and unable to battle any more, find strength in the love of family and friends. Life is a gift. Everyday a blessing.

Loves,

Now you really should go - hug, call or spend time with someone you love! Life is precious. Moments and Memories last forever. Go make some. 

Leave a reaction. How did you feel about this post?

Pointing out the Positives

In the past few weeks I have taken my own advice and embraced the suckage. I am not always very adept in speaking my mind. However, with the anger I was feeling I became conscious that it was time to not only feel it but start speaking it.  I was done just taking it all the time. And I started speaking my mind. In the safest place I knew, with my husband. 

I am a child of divorce. I have also been divorced and remarried myself. Yup, I am a statistic. Big hairy cry in my soup deal right? I recognize that divorced homes are the norm anymore. It amazes me how many of my students come from broken homes each year. However normal it may seem in the world, it does not make for a normal upbringing or a normal mental state on how the world is.

 For example, I always thought fighting meant leaving. I thought arguing was an invitation to start thinking about leaving. I thought loud voices meant you hate me and I suck. My now husband has taught me that none of these are true. He loves, corrects, and explains loudly. This is so foreign to me and sometimes hard for me. I have learned though over the past 10 years that loud doesn't mean you are mad. It is just his way of communicating. I feel safe with him. I feel more like me than I ever have.

So, I have been practicing being really honest about myself and how I am feeling. This may sound absurd to you. You may have always done this in your life. Me, not so much.

It is my nature to sacrifice my own needs, feelings, desires for the greater happiness of those around me. Aha moment…this may have been contributing to my angry days recently. You can only “take it” for so long. Pretending it doesn’t matter and doing your best to blow it off, when in reality…you are a person too. You deserve a say. You have a right to how you feel. Matter of fact I have even started saying that to my children. This is how I feel, sorry it affects you in a possibly upsetting way, but I have a right to my feelings. It’s sooooo much healthier than just giving up my wishes. It helps me own me. I’m accountable for my actions, thoughts, moods, and I get to be more involved. And that is a good thing for everyone.

My point? The anger is passing, the suckage slipping away. The flow of tears is subsiding. I am feeling stronger every day. I am feeling like a real person. And I am finding joy again. In the last 2-3 days I have actually been counting the positives. You know the things that bring a random smile to your face. No words. Just a smile. I have been collecting those things via photo graph. Now you have the pleasure of seeing what those things are. 

Finding my artistic roots. Creating a corner space where I can be myself. 

I absolutely love fluffy clouds. We have had skies full of them lately. Reminding me that God is everywhere.

My house lizards. We wanted one big one, but were having a hard time finding one. These two little beauties make me smile every time I come home and see them. 

Ominous clouds bringing wonderful rain to our dry desert. 

Beautiful sunrises with wisps of rain reflecting the colors of Gods love. 

I hope where ever  you are that you are creating your own photo montage of things that have brought you joy lately. If you have one you would like to share, I would love to add it to my blog. You can email it to blakesdaisy@aol.com. Let's point out the positives for a while. 

Loves.